An Emotional Process

Since John Breen is likely the only one to see this, I shan't worry about posting hastily and then revising later. Here it is, post haste:

I find I am angry at my brother. This is quite possibly the first time I have been solidly and definitely angry with him, at least in my memory. I am so angry that I cannot handle him being out with his friends and spending time with his girlfriend rather than with me. I 'have it out' with him and tell him how I feel. That apparently isn't enough and we do the same the next day after I've sought counsel from a friend. Two weeks later I find I am still left with repressed emotions and a deep feeling of angst. What do I do with this? I cannot chop wood, Joanna, for I have not the tools nor the skill. I have a good talk with my sister - no, I should not hate my brother, because he is being like Jesus - spending time with those who need him, who need someone to be their friend. He is doing the right thing. But I still feel a latent anger and bitterness. This morning Z makes it all clear. Anger is not the primary emotion. The primary emotion is, in fact, pain. I experience pain and disappointment because I had high expectations of the time we would be able to spend together because of previous promises made by my brother. But since we do not like to stay in pain, Z says, we move on to anger. And, what's more, we become demanding. Suddenly the tables have shifted and my priorities are revealed. I think it is all about me and that my brother should spend time with me and fulfill my needs and deepest longings for significance and security. That is what transforms my pain into anger. Otherwise, I would feel pain, and justly feel it, and tell my brother and seek solace in Christ. How does one seek solace in Christ? Is prayer the only means? Prayer and contemplation, perhaps? I am not entirely sure. What do you think?